Reflections from a Cynic..

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good not harm all the days of her life”

Proverbs 31:10-12

This verse cropped up on numerous occasions the day of Kevin and Lily’s wedding, confirmlove_heart_white_and_simple_grandeing truth and an understanding among the people that were to witness this beautiful event.

It’s fair to say that this wedding has stuck in both my heart and mind since the day it took place. There has been a spring in my step and lightness in my eyes as I explain to people the events that took place. One could almost be mistaken to believe it was in fact my wedding day. Ofcourse, it was not to be but watching your soul sister walk down the aisle with the person that she had spent years praying for, well that’s a pretty momentous occasion.

I felt a stirring to write about this wedding. After nearly two years of working alongside people enslaved by the sex industry, my heart had taken a battering when it came to the topic of love. I have seen and heard the word love thrown around so easily. I had witnessed the devastating effects of sex being cheapened to half hour stints, girls being told they are beautiful and in the next glance rejected for not being sexy enough. Forgive me for the cynic in me had begun to resurface.

My season of singleness has been the biggest blessing to me. It’s been more necessary than I can begin to tell you. For the first time in many years, to the world I was walking solo. In my heart I was journeying side by side with Jesus, falling back in love with my creator. He has been pursuing my heart for many years but only since moving to Thailand had I begun to truly give myself over. With that comes a certain amount of growth coupled with pain and blessing.  I have found an inner strength in me that I didn’t know existed. I am secure In the person that God is calling me to be and I certainly know my worth. Because this journey has been a long and difficult one, it’s very easy to embrace that “independence” and begin to turn away from the idea of love with another man.  I have the most beautifully fulfilling friendships that keep me going from one day the next.

When I look around, I don’t always see a model example of love, I see people close to me drowning in broken marriages and relationships. I see people choosing to opt for playing a game with a prospective partner instead of being vulnerable and opening their heart. I see girls questioning their worth when they are rejected by men they envisioned a future with and I see cash handed over for 30 minutes of pleasure. Could I give up on love just as easily?

Perhaps God knew the thoughts clouding my mind because those thoughts were smashed into tiny pieces when I watched my best friend’s wedding. Like me, lily had witnessed just as much pain all around her, it was easy for her to give up on love and yet here she was standing at the Alter proclaiming a lifelong commitment to be Mrs Naiqama.  As they made their vows to each other and danced t

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heir first dance, the love that was felt between them permeated the whole room. Despite being a writer, I struggle to put this into words. I will never forget the stolen looks between them and the tears that were shed from Kevin as he first set eyes on his wife to be walking down the aisle.

From the moment I woke up for my Maid of Honour duties to the time I lay my head down to rest, I was a crying wreck with the pinnacle being during my speech to the new couple. God was speaking nothing short of a few things to my heart. Fir

stly, love comes in all different forms. I saw in the bond between Kevin’s family and I felt it my heart for My best friend. Secondly, it was time to believ

43879427_10161054570480247_5352416642598961152_n(1)e in Love again. Not lust, not brokenness but actual wholehearted love. I may not be granted the desire of my heart for a husband, especially not a rugby playing, bearded, funny Christian guy 😊 but I can ask, and I can still hope and believe that no matter what, my God wants the absolute best for me. Nothing more, nothing less. Despite all of this, the biggest reminder always being, that there is no greater love than someone giving up their life for me on a cross. This surpasses every dream and every desire that is within me.